This word has been used more often than not in relation to me,
I’m not quite sure how I feel about that?
A tiny part of me likes the fact that I come across as passionate and opinionated – that is when I actually socialise with people,
But the rest of me is so cynical it drives out the light and replaces it with impenetrable darkness,
This is embodiment of my “intensity”,
I have this increasing fear that my “intensity” is too much,
To the point where it is intimidating and suffocating,
That my so called “intensity” scares away any prospect of love,
And that I am too much.
Too much of everything,
My passion burns so bright it hurts to look,
My silence is so loud you have to cover your ears,
My anxiety is so overwhelming it borderlines pathetic,
And in many ways my inability to make small talk has become my greatest downfall,
It has left me with so many “what ifs,”
What if I had actually said hello?
Would that have been enough?
Would that simple hello have been enough to act as the foundation to this bridge I know I need to build so I can cross this treacherous void and begin my journey to place I yearn for but I have never been?
What if I had sat down next to you instead of choosing the seat on opposite side of the room?
The one furthest away from you,
Because I was so afraid of being in such close proximity to you,
How would I ignore you when you were literally inches away from my fingertips?
How would I stop myself from reaching across just to brush them against your cheek?
How would I stop myself from methodically performing a craniotomy just so I could peek into your mind for a moment to try and understand what it is about you that makes me want to drive out the darkness and let you in?
I am a composition of paradoxes,
I feel too much but don’t do well with expressing emotion,
I treasure solitude but crave the warmth of another,
I am so good at pretending to be optimistic and bubbly when I think it will make others feel better,
But inside I am screaming as they feed off my energy,
And leave me with barely enough to keep breathing,
I am a master of the rehearsed smile,
It is a mask I wear 8 hours a day hoping no one will see my internal struggle,
That sometimes I’d prefer if everyone would just cut the bullshit small talk and leave me with something to ponder on instead.